Politics

Bill Shorten Tries To Prove He Is Normal Person Who Can Make A School Lunch, Fails

Oh Bill.

by Joseph Earp  30 January 2019
Bill Shorten today posted a picture of himself on Twitter mucking about with some vegemite.

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We’re slowly gearing up for a federal election in Australia, so you know what that means: it’s time for Bill Shorten and Scott Morrison to pretend they are human beings, and not walking mouldy sharehouse sponges.

And wouldn’t you know it? Neither of them seem particularly up to the job.

ScoMo has attempted to corner the market on affable Australian bloke, dribbling and waddling his way around his office in Facebook live videos that have the lurching, rising sense of dread usually reserved for the opening scenes of snuff films.

Bill Shorten, meanwhile, has been perfecting his sensitive new age dad routine, which would be a look that might work better for him if he didn’t support the barbaric practice of offshore detention.

Anyway, the “new federal election year, new Shorten” charm offensive has culminated in a magic eye picture of daddish buffoonery, in that the more you look at it, the more misguided it seems.

Okay, so let’s start at the top: the whole “feeding your kids Ryvita” thing is a sick joke that has gone on for far too long. Ryvitas taste like something you’d feed a horse that you didn’t particularly like. Ryvitas taste like doing your taxes. Ryvitas taste like the Wikipedia page on boredom.

It is downright unconscionable in the age of cheap, delicious bread to force your children to eat Ryvitas.

Secondly, what the fuck is going on with those snow peas visible in the picture?

Is Shorten going to load them onto the Ryvita? Are they being offered up as the world’s most unsatisfying recess snack? Does Shorten actively want his children to be laughed at? Does he hate them?

And then, finally, there’s the creme de la creme, lurking away in the background, ill-defined but impossible to ignore, like Shorten’s history of saying dumb shit about Invasion day: a big old burn mark above the Labour leader’s stove.

Listen, maybe being extremely addicted to both politics and being online has made me suspicious, but there’s part of me that suspects that the burn mark has been, if not exactly staged, then carefully positioned for maximum internet attention.

Every single thing a pollie posts online has been raked over, time and time again: there’s no way at least one staffer didn’t spot that eye-catching burn.

The only explanation why they didn’t photoshop it out, then, is that they thought it somehow added to the new era of sensitive, down-to-earth Shorten.

Look, this photo screams; Bill is an absolute numpty when it comes to operating a stove, just like you!

Anyway, this utterly failed attempt to make a politician look like any human being you’ve ever met in your life is just the beginning of what is sure to be a long and painful election cycle. Welcome to the next four months of your life!