Barnaby Joyce Is Very, Very Tentatively Talking About Murdering Dogs Again

It was always going to be difficult for the Agriculture Minister to come back from that whole dog-murdering business. A few things could have made it easier for him, of course: if he hadn’t brazenly issued the death warrant on live TV, for instance, or if it had involved a lesser celebrity. Or, at the very least, if he hadn’t seethed with such a heady mixture of rage and lust at the mere mention of Johnny Depp’s name.

Thankfully, we will never know; for one beautiful moment the universe came into perfect alignment and offered us the most exquisite news story, one which quickly spread around the world and cemented itself into our terrible national history forever-more.

But now, almost exactly one month since the whole torrid saga, we’ve been presented with one more addendum to the story which suggests it’ll never be forgotten. At a press conference this morning in Canberra, Barnaby Joyce stood in front of a crowd of reporters, flanked by banners emblazoned by the blood-red silhouette of a native canine, and conducted a 16-minute press conference about his ongoing mission to murder wild dogs. It was a bold move.

First thing’s first: the National Wild Dog Action Plan is very different from the Minister’s previous threat to gleefully euthanise two small domestic terriers in front of the mournful eyes of someone who’s been voted the World’s Sexiest Man. Twice. That really is in a league of its own. Instead, this plan — which was officially launched last year — is intended as a way to curb the increasing incidents of feral dog attacks that put terrible strains on rural farming communities. It’s an issue which the minister has fought against for a long time and the plan itself has been years in the making. Today’s announcement was about the creation of a website for farmers to learn about the best ways to solve this problem, and it’s ostensibly a pretty good thing.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, though, the sight of Joyce desperately trying to justify why it’s okay for him to kill some more dogs cannot physically be observed with a straight face. No one questioned him on it. No one asked for it to happen. But for a solid four minutes, he led us all into the most uniquely horrifying light morning presser in parliamentary history.

“We have information of when people’s own pets have been literally devoured — eaten,” he started, enthusiastically. “All we’ve found of them has been where they’ve got their head out of the way and the rest of their body has been eaten.”

“I’ve seen it myself — I’ve gone down the road in the morning past a mob of sheep and come back up the road in the evening past a road of carcasses … In many instances we have the immense cruelty of them just eating the kidneys out of a sheep and then leaving them alive to struggle and die.”

He then went on to detail the ways these dogs kill for pleasure, listing exactly how many good things they will hunt down/murder/disembowel if not stopped. By my count, that includes: adorable lambs, their innocent mothers, your own pets, animal husbandry, the entire wool industry, and the spirit of every hard-working country bloke in this blimmin’ beaut country of ours.

Again: he’s probably right, but holy shit, I’ve never heard a person more keen to kill a dog in my life.

Barnaby Joyce’s thirst to kill dogs can not be sated. pic.twitter.com/xxpOo39FIM

— Alex Lee (@alex_c_lee) June 16, 2015

get those dogs barnaby

— adam brereton (@adambrereton) June 16, 2015

Barnaby Joyce will not rest until he has personally murdered someone's pooch

— Rob Stott (@Rob_Stott) June 16, 2015

I know it’s not fair. I know he’s probably doing good work in all areas unrelated to movie star’s pets. But unless he immediately steps down from all parts of his job that involve dogs, all I will ever see is this: