‘The Bachelorette’ Week 3 Power Ranking: Georgia Bathes In The Oils Of Insecure Men
In which Georgia contemplates, "can I just take them all".
Even though it feels like no-one is watching this season of The Bachelorette, I for one am cherishing the endless scenes of a GHD-curled woman wearing ponchos and uncomfortable boots, while entertaining men on secluded islands/porches/hay bales and other rustic settings.
Watch as they sip sparkling wine out of plastic flutes, take pleasure in the fact that most of this show is occupied with the act of getting places (driving, flying, walking) and spend hours contemplating “is that what kissing really looks like” before comforting yourself with the fact that we only have about a month (1!!!!!!!??????) left until Georgia Loves decides who is worth quitting her job for.
Although, after all the boys sang her a song together about how much they liked her – it’s not weird, it’s just mates being mates and wanting the same chick but being relaxed mates about it, nothing weird if you’re all just mates, nothing to see here, only mates here — it did sort of seem like Georgia was contemplating some sort of polygamous relationship going forward.
“NO ONE PERSON HAS EVER MADE ME FEEL LIKE THAT,” she said wistfully, staring into the distance and clearly contemplating ‘… could I just take them all?’.
“GEORGIA, WE ARE ALL MATES WHO LOVE U.”
“Let’s all just start kissing and see what happens.”
GET IT GIRL, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!
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Cameron (5 points)
Cameron is just arbitrarily the best one, right?
Right.
Even though Cameron does some mildly irritating things, like thinking that saying anything in an American accent automatically makes it a joke, he did the best this week at not being a jerk and instead positioned himself as basic, nice man. Expectations of heterosexual men are so low on this show, that pretty much being ‘not a maniac’ means you are doing well. Welcome to heteronormative dating, chumps.
Cameron’s big thing this week was being worried that he had inadvertently entered ‘the friend zone’, a zone that all men apparently fear because it means that a woman doesn’t think about having sex with you, which means your identity and sense of power is kaput. The idea that Georgia hasn’t thought about having sex with Cameron even once, shakes him to his very core. Maybe it’s because you keep talking about Disney movies, dog.
“We have the same love of Disney movies!!!!!” Cameron says 20 times. We know, Cameron.
It’s just like that Disney movie where they drink champagne in itchy yellow grass.
Georgia Love and Cameron think the fact that they both like Disney movies is incredible, like it’s the fucking weirdest wildcard niche interest you could possibly have. It’s like when you start uni and you’re like “Oh my god, you like Beck too!!!!!” before you realise that everyone has access to triple j, dummy.
Anyway, Georgia Love and Cameron go on a helicopter and are bloody thrilled about it. It’s just like a Disney movie! Maybe! “It’s cool doing things you’ve never done,” Cameron says. You said it, Cam! You said it.
Georgia and Cameron try to have an interesting conversation, which is a cool thing they’ve never done.
Cameron wants Georgia Love to see his “mature side” because he’s seen enough Disney movies to know that chicks love men who are serious and who are not silly. This is a fantastic plan, until Georgia Love reveals that the date involves him sitting in a pen of Dalmatian puppies while Georgia Love just sort of throws puppies all over him with abandon and screams, “PUPPIES!!!!”
“Oh no, what would Prince Charming do.”
Cameron just sort of wriggles on the ground with the puppies and then realises that the puppies are getting to first base with Georgia Love before him, so then the puppies get put away (can someone check on the puppies?) and he makes out with her. Cameron is officially out of the friend zone, because two friends have never made out before ever, consult your history books kids.
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Rhys (4 points)
This week Rhys did well in the power ranking not because I think he’s good – the show seems to be going out of its way to say that Rhys is Not Good – but because I can’t believe how this jealous, petty, year 9 Harry Potter man has managed to stay in the competition after being so outwardly bitter towards Georgia Love.
Maybe he really is a wizard.
“My Patronus is actually myself.”
Rhys’ confusing agenda revolves around the idea that the house is divided between “boys and men”. Rhys, by his account, is a man (he wears glasses/is tall). All the contestants he doesn’t like because they are mean to him, like Sam, are boys. Personally, I can’t tell the difference between the two categories because this week involved them dressing up like knights and pretending to ride horses, as if that’s something that would thrill Georgia. Even Osher was like, “who are these child men”.
HELLO LADDIEEZZZZ, YOU’RE WELCOME!!!
While the men are taking part in ‘medieval challenges’ from a time in which the gender norms that form the foundation of this show were forged, Rhys decides that he wants Georgia to chase him because presumably the autonomy she has on this show does not gel with his worldview as a Man™. Rhys wins the dumb challenges and takes the opportunity to berate Georgia Love for the fact that she doesn’t talk to him enough at cocktail parties. What a nice guy, this guy is such a nice guy!!!!!
“No offence, but I think you’re being really rude at the cocktail parties, thanks for picking me for the date this is so fun.”
“How can I disappear this man without going to jail.”
I mean, I don’t want to say that Rhys is looking like the type of guy who tweets at female celebrities from an egg account, but the show is really making him look like this type of guy. Rhys cannot comprehend that Georgia Love has to divide her time between the contestants on account of this being a game show. “I WROTE YOU A POEM, WHY HAVEN’T YOU WRITTEN ME A POEM,” he says, before sensing that she’s ready to Gong Him like Red and saying that “We’re all here for you – well, most of us are”.
Georgia is like, “Wait, some men aren’t here for me?” to which Rhys says “I’m not saying.” Okay.
Miraculously, Rhys survived that episode only to bring this up again after he broke his arm or whatever during the oil wrestling challenge. This challenge involved all the men rubbing oil on each other while Georgia watched, oiling and oiling their mates, doing the mate thing of making sure the oil reached the smalls of their backs, making sure the oil really got into the ridges of each other’s six packs. Rhys made fun of the blokes who had comparatively sloppy rigs.
Georgia then tells them that only two of them have to wrestle, she just wanted them all to oil up for funsies. “I did this not for me, but for the women of Australia,” she said, eyes blazing with power.
How do we vote Georgia Love for PM, how does voting work again?
Mates oiling each other up.
Georgia gave them a hand.
They were then covered in oil and they were glad.
Georgia was pleased.
Anyway, after a day of light, oily caresses, Rhys decides again that the best way to win Georgia is to make her feel super insecure, what a nice guy! He reads her a poem about the fact that some of the contestants are boys (Sam) and some of them are men (Rhys). She makes this face:
This one.
Georgia does not take kindly to the fact that Rhys is repeatedly telling her that some of the men don’t like her.
“You need to tell me who these men are.”
“There are boys who are not here for the right reasons.”
“Tell me who they are.”
“I cannot, I could never speak out against them, men don’t do that, I am a man of integrity and poetry.”
“Tell me.”
“Okay, it’s Sam.”
“Are you insecure yet.”
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Clancy (3 points)
Clancy won a single date this week, on account of doing things like jumping in a pool and letting Georgia Love shave his beard in an attempt to be noticed. Georgia finds this behaviour “unique”. She also says she wanted to go on a date to see “if we can hold a conversation for an entire day”. The secret to true love is to hold a conversation for an entire day.
Like everyone in the world, Georgia wants to live in New York, so she says she has “recreated New York in Sydney”. This means that they go and see live music (they are the only people in the bar) and then go to another bar that overlooks Darlinghurst Road. Then she takes him ice-skating. “It’s so Rockefeller!” she says and Clancy agrees, because true love is also pretending.
“This is a very romantic thing to do,” Georgia explains but then decides it’s not romantic because Clancy keeps falling down. “I don’t know what was happening with Clancy’s legs,” she says.
IT’S JUST LIKE NEW YORK!!!
Clancy blames his inability to stay upright on “having to hold Georgia’s hand”. These two are for life.
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Courtney (2 points)
Georgia Love likes Courtney the best and I’ve got this terrible feeling that Courtney does not like Georgia the best. One indication of this is that he did not even try to win a single date with Georgia, and instead of running the gauntlet, walked slowly and covered his penis, so that Ryan could win. Courtney’s primary concerns this week were Ryan and his penis.
Protect ya neck.
Georgia liked it.
Georgia says that she was “totally humiliated” and that Courtney is TERRIBLE but also I think it made her like him more which made me sad for her/myself/all women. Georgia makes him apologise and it’s pretty insincere. Courtney comes away from the confrontation saying “I am feeling vulnerable”. That must be horrible, Courtney. It must be horrible to feel that way.
Courtney is punished :)
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Todd (1 point)
AW SHIT, IT’S INTRUDER TIME!!!! IT’S TODD!!! WATCH OUT FOR TODD!!! Osher is like: “Georgia, you are here for one thing and one thing only, not to find a new job on the mainland, but to find love. Here are two new mans.”
IT’S TODD!!
Todd wins a point on account of being new. His presence startled the other contestants immeasurably (“I hate when people jump the queue,” Matty says, as if Georgia is the new ride at Wet N’ Wild). As soon as he enters the tower where Richie and Alex fell in ‘love’, the men started to panic.
“GEORGIA IS UP THERE WITH A MAN!!”
“CORRRR, HE’S DAPPER TOO!!”
“GEORGIA IS UP THERE WITH A DAPPER MAN!!”
Todd makes a joke about the uber being late and Georgia fucking loves it. Todd loves musical theatre, has lived in Melbourne for a week, is 26 and therefore ready to settle down (lol) and sings like Niall from One Direction. I know this, because Todd sang Georgia a song. This concerned the men deeply, as they could not fathom a more romantic gesture than awkwardly serenading a woman you’ve never met, without even introducing yourself first.
“DAMMIT HE’S GOOD!!!”
“WHAT A VOICE!!”
“HE’S LIKE A GODDAMN ANGEL!!!”
All of the men suddenly fall in love with Todd.
Romeo, take me / somewhere we can be alone
When Todd meets the boiz, they say he’s like “Ed Sheeran with a beard” which I think is meant to be a deeply sincere compliment. “It was like walking into a field of giants!” says Todd, because he is short. Oh, Todd!!
Sam begins drunkenly yelling “I DON’T FEEL THREATENED BY THESE GUYS!!!!” and then does a piece to camera about how Todd is actually okay, but then pretends he doesn’t even remember Todd’s name, because that’s how much he’s not even thinking about Todd.
“I don’t even know Todd, I don’t even know how to say ‘Todd’, how do you say it? Like Toe-dodd? Hm, dunno, have never encountered the name, sorry.”
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Bye Matteo! You only lasted for a quarter of an episode, but I liked your accent and how you didn’t criticise Georgia for how she divides her time :/
Bye Ryan! You looked like Heath Ledger!
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The Bachelorette is on every Wednesday and Thursday at 7.30 on Channel Ten from now until forever. You can read last week’s power ranking here.