We’re back again!

Another day on this planet, a planet where a Honey Badger should have a wife, and thus we must present him with the finest among us and make them live in a Stayz apartment in the middle of somewhere until Wife is chosen.

But first, Wife must endure the scorn of other women who have been riled up on Pimm’s and encouraged to turn on each other! You cannot be Wife unless you are surrounded by Non-Wives, you see. You only are, if they aren’t. It almost makes you wonder if the price of being Wife far exceeds the benefits.

Just kidding hahaha, please invite me to your weddings, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!!

Winners

Brooke (9 points)

I have to say, seeing a Bachelor contestant on national TV wearing an Aboriginal flag shirt (which shouldn’t be major, but you know) is very fantastic. Brooke is a boss.

Anyway, in terms of things that don’t matter, Brooke won the group date dinner invitation! This group date was hosted by Honey Badger’s dad, sister and brother, which is very early for the show to be introducing the fam but idk maybe there’s some Gogglebox special that needs to air and they’re speeding things up.

“I’ve met his brother before!!!” Cass whispers immediately to the nearest microphone. Brother Badger confirms that they had a surf a year ago and “a few beers and a yarn” no one had sex or got married though, everything is fine, probably.

Sister Badger says that she’s concerned that some girls are there “for the wrong reasons” on account of Honey Badger being famous at sport. Papa Badger just wants a yarn. “I work for the Labor party!” Alisha tells him. “We’ll let that go!” Papa Badger says and the women laugh in a nervous way.

Everyone has a great time.

Sister Badger says that the correct selection is crucial, as Honey Badger is selecting a “partner for the whole family” which, wow, I don’t know if these women signed up for – wait she just means someone who shares their values or whatever.

Brooke wins the polygamy comp because she did not say anything nasty about the other girls, something that was entirely impossible for every other contestant on the show. Honey Badger indicates that he is happy with the choice by yelling, “GOOD CHOICE!” when Brooke walks through the door for dinner.

The Badgers then talk about Brooke as if she is not there. It is as if Brooke is present at her own eulogy. “Brooke has realness and I loved how she laughed in serious moments,” says Honey Badger. All the Badgers nod solemnly. They toast to what a good person Brooke was. Brooke, who is still alive, joins in their toast.

Sophie (8 points)

Sophie went on a successful single date! She indicates that the date is “overdue” which says to me that she is mad already, which is the only way to start a date. Sophie says that she knows that she has failed to “open up” thus far and is under pressure to “open up as much as I can” or ELSE.

Honey Badger meets Sophie at the docks so they can cruise some sailors and get matching tattoos, just kidding they’re there to ride a wind-powered boat. “It goes 80k an hour!” says Honey Badger. Sophie looks upset at this news. The fast boat instructor says that if they feel it is “too much” or if they die, he will stop the boat.

A few minutes in, Honey Badger says “strewth!” and admits that he doesn’t really like it either. The boat starts to go very fast and levitates. No-one is enjoying it. Sophie and Honey Badger allow themselves to be hoisted up in harnesses. Honey Badger likes that Sophie isn’t that scared of dying, which is the correct attitude to have towards dying. They finish the activity and everyone mistakes their relief at it being over as contentment for having enjoyed themselves.

Now that the ‘fun’ is over, Sophie must do the homework of talking about herself. “Now I have to talk about my feelings,” she says, as if ‘talking about my feelings’ means the same thing as ‘eating a toenail sandwich’.

Honey Badger says that she seemed too nervous in a group date last week – which involved he and Sophie having to touch noses and stare at each other for a long period of time – because Sophie kept looking away? This seems like a normal reaction for someone being asked to mash their face against a relative stranger while being watched by 20 other women, or maybe that’s just Schoolies.

“I’m obviously coming off very closed,” says Sophie. Hey, I’m sure that Honey Badger will be very understanding of that and just –

“Time is of the essence,” says Honey Badger. Wow okay mate!!!!

Sophie says that she was in a long-term relationship and it taught her how to… fall out of love? I don’t fully understand what that means, but it seemed to satisfy Honey Badger. They are about to kiss, but first just stare at each other for a really long time first, as if Sophie is trying to prove that she can.

Vanessa Sunshine (7 points)

Vanessa Sunshine stuck her tongue out!

Losers

Cass (5 points)

I can’t see Cass being happy in this competition and I wish I could grab a levitating water boat and just lift her right outta there. During the group date, Cass has a private chat with Brother Badger. Cass says she is relieved to talk to someone who “knows the situation”.

“Last time I saw you was on a beach!” she says. Brother Badger is politely incredulous about the whole thing.

Brother Badger advises Cass to keep the fact that she knows Honey Badger to herself. Cass agrees and then continues to discuss their prior relationship with the whole house. At the cocktail party she laments that she hasn’t “had anyone to talk to about our past history” which makes me think they were in ASIO together, because I’m not sure that there’s anything she hasn’t alluded to.

Cass finally gets Honey Badger on his own and says, “I sat here with your brother yesterday. It was nice to see him – AGAIN!” Honey Badger reiterates that he can’t express the depth of feeling that Cass wants him to, because it would be disrespectful to the other girls. Oh, that’s tactful – OH NO HE’S USING HAND GESTURES.

Oh, Cass!

Romy (4 points)

Romy, one of the troublemakers, was found out for her trouble-making this day! Blair overhears Romy telling Sister Badger that Cass is in love with Honey Badger, is a “very young 23” (lol) and is not a good match for him. Blair heard this because her bedroom window was open.

Romy is incensed that Blair would tell Cass this information. After all, the only way to make people think you’re good, is to make other people seem worse, how else do you achieve this, I ask you!!!!! Romy tells the rest of her coven, Alisha and Cat, that she has been wronged. “Game on, moles,” says Cat, who is energised by bloodlust and destruction.

Blair is confronted with her folly. “I couldn’t possibly change where my bedroom is!” she says in desperation. Romy says three conflicting things in quick succession:

1. “You have no class.”

2. “This has angered me.”

3. “DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”

Blair is so shocked that she can only open her mouth at odd angles. Cat starts to laugh, as she is so happy. Everyone reflects on the fact that the single worst thing you can do is eavesdrop and the second single worst thing you can do is tell people about it.

Cat (3 points)

Sometimes someone named Brit casually says to a Sister Badger that she thinks that a contestant or two are here for “TV time” to promote their “jewelry label” and then the first person to say that they have a jewelry label is the number one enemy of the show.

This is a story about Cat.

Cat is very annoyed that Sister Badger knows that she has a jewelry label and is even more incensed when Honey Badger asks her about it later. No one is more upset than Alisha and Romy who are almost crying during this ordeal and repeat “IT’S REALLY UNFAIR” to each other; as if Cat is being paraded naked around the Bachelor house while a nun yells “SHAME” and people pelt her with tomatoes.

Seeya!

Blair! A spy can only last so long.

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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Vulture, The AV Club, Pitchfork, Vice, frankie and Elle. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.